Category: Uncategorized

Today Scarlett decided to practice for her future career as a street side windshield washer. You know what I’m talking about. The people that run out into the road at traffic lights to clean your windshield for a tip? Apparently that’s her dream job. We walked around the corner to see her still bundled up with a spray bottle and a wet wipe scrubbing my wall. And if you’ve ever wondered, but been afraid to test it – yes, wet wipes will take paint off of your wall.

She’s a special one, that Scarlett. Today I caught her eating her cereal with her bare hands, milk and all. No need for spoons in this house! Apparently, when you’re two and haven’t yet perfected the fine motor skills necessary for perfect silverware usage, the best solution is to forego the silverware altogether. At least she’s saving me time on the backend by not having to wash as many dishes. There’s always a plus side! (Though, I’m still struggling to determine exactly what the plus side was of yesterday’s bronzing extravaganza.)

Some people put child locks on their refrigerators or pantry doors to keep their toddler out. I will now be investing in reinforced steel with a retina scanner to keep Scarlett out of my make up drawer. What is that brown dust coating everything in my bathroom, you ask? Unfortunately, not something simple to clean like cocoa. No, it’s powder foundation. This was super not fun. She basically had herself a rave in there. It was everywhere. All over her, the floor, the drawers. It was on and in the toilet. I cannot even begin to tell you how long this took to clean up. This happened within hours of her being freshly bathed. Oh, and Grant also decided he needed to eat basically as soon as we discovered this mess. Which meant I had to deal with him at the same time. Actually, her sisters discovered this mess. They had been sent upstairs to clean their bedroom, but apparently Scarlett decided to hang out in the bathroom instead. The older sisters came down to tell us “Scarlett is making a mess and got something on daddy’s socks.” Yes – they thought the biggest problem with this whole picture was that daddy’s already dirty socks were now dirtier. Never mind my brand new bathroom rugs that I just bought and are now probably going in the trash. When I took her diaper off to throw her back into the bath, it looked like she had a bikini tan line. That’s how much bronzer this girl was wearing. It left a ring in the bottom of the tub (which also then had to be scrubbed). Make up is meant to adhere to your skin, so a simple washcloth wouldn’t even get it all off of her. She still looked like she was wearing it when she got out of the bath. I had to use special make up remover wipes to get it all off. She also asked in the middle of all of this if she looked pretty now. I’m pretty sure she’s basically asking me to sell her at this point.

I get it though. Sometimes on these dark, blustery winters days you’ll do anything to feel like you got a little sun; including a bucket of bronzer.

I caught somebody writing bad checks today. And here I’ve been wondering why my account is overdrawn every month!? Alex is going to be happy to hear about this; he’s been getting the blame and I’ve been keeping him on a tight leash. If anyone receives a check in the mail from me anytime soon you may not want to cash it! Who knows how many of these things she’s mailed out for various reasons. I expect to see Toddler Tantrums Quarterly arriving in the mail any day now. We’ll probably also get a pet monkey and a lifetime supply of gummy bears.

Elle enjoyed a little shoplifting – er…shopping – on the school bus today. She couldn’t resist the opportunity to acquire another piece of superhero clothing. When she walked in the door after school she immediately explained in feigned innocence, “Mom, I found this on the bus today and had no idea what to do with it so I just brought it home.” (Insert puppy dog eyes here.) And don’t let her fool you – she has left her own stuff on the bus and had to get it out of the lost and found in the past. She knew EXACTLY what she was supposed to do with it. But, did I mention that it was a SUPERHERO hat? That makes the theft okay right? Kids shouldn’t be allowed to bring stuff that cool on the bus. You have to keep school bus items at a Level 6 Cool or under. Level 7 and above needs to stay safe and at home. They’re just asking for trouble when they get near Elle ‘Sticky Fingers’ Jones. (To be clear, she did find it on the ground, which basically means it’s up for grabs. And she will also be returning it tomorrow. I hope. I’ll probably find it in her room in three months.)

I knew this day was coming. Frankly, I’m just surprised it took this long. No…none of my children started walking today. No one said their first word. There wasn’t a lost tooth. It was more momentous than all of that. Today Scarlett found herself some “special” stickers. Yep. THOSE special stickers. The only saving grace was that at least we didn’t have company when she started playing with them! If you’re reading this and have no idea what I’m talking about, you should probably just keep on scrolling. Just wait for tomorrow’s post for your daily dose of humor, because you likely don’t want to know what I’m talking about. And if it’s not immediately apparent, you’re probably a guy and would prefer to remain ignorant. Also odd: when I calmly told her she wasn’t allowed to play with them she asked if they were Daddy’s. I have no idea why she thought that. She’s a weird kid.

Rose is the Special Helper at preschool tomorrow. It’s basically Christmas for her. She gets to bring a snack for the entire class as well as a special toy to show everyone. Ideally, that toy will begin with the letter of the week. This week’s letter is “N’. Rose elected to take a Knife. Or should I say a ‘Nife’. This is concerning on multiple levels. First – she is clearly illiterate. Second – of all the N items she could pick … the knife is her favorite!? Maybe I should start her therapy now. Come on, Rose! You could have taken Nachos, Nerf Guns, a Nelson Mandela Replica – whatever! After I chastised her for awhile she finally gave up on the knife idea and went with the doll she got for Christmas instead. Now I get to stay up until 2 AM sewIng a Ninja suit for it. (Because I WILL NOT be the Mom that sends her kid to school with a “D” item during “N” week. I don’t need to bring that level of shame down upon my family.)

Sometimes Scarlett gets a little ahead of herself during mealtimes. (We all know how she likes her food.) Today, she was gorging herself on a lemon muffin after dinner (like we all do) and she consumed it so quickly she ate it wrapper and all. I turned around for a half second and when I looked back there was nothing but a little brown paper hanging from her lip. I hate to say it, but she has definitely consumed worse. Those wrappers are high in fiber right? I’m going to count that as a serving of vegetables. Practically the same thing. I’m saving her broccoli for tomorrow instead of tonight. No need to waste a second serving of veggies on the same day. Fresh produce is expensive and I’m working with a budget!

Rose is just doing some routine quality control testing on our diapers here. You’ve seen the way my children eat. We have to make sure these things are durable! Everything seems to be in good shape – this one just got cleared for a 3 pm bowel movement. As Rose said, it’s ‘10 pounds long’. So, our diapers are doing good…our general concept of math…not so much. After this she’s off to use a sundial to figure out what color Tuesday tastes like.

This seems bad. I caught Scarlett doing a little light reading today. Nothing like ‘The Bait of Satan’ to start a Saturday morning out right. Perfect. She’s now learning the ways of Lucifer himself. I’m only slightly alarmed. Some two-year-olds enjoy weekend cartoons. Scarlett uses that time to plan her attacks on me for the upcoming week. Bring it on kid…bring it on. Apparently next week I’ll have to monitor her library choices a bit more closely. I wasn’t concerned until she got out the highlighter.