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Goodbye maternity leave, hello career. And along with that: hello working-Mom guilt. I was an hour into my work day on my very first day out of the house when I remembered it was spirit week for Elle. And I had done nothing for it. You know Spirit Week. That dreaded week where you have to come up with a unique themed outfit for your child/children every day and pretend like you’re having fun with it, when, in actuality, you’re just terrified your child will be the only kid that shows up without a properly themed outfit. So…like any good guilty mom…I immediately texted my new nanny, on her first day, to ask her to change Elle’s outfit 10 minutes before she needed to catch the bus. It was a risk. I took it. She might as well know now how hopeless I am. No sense in pulling the wool over her eyes. My new nanny is great and took care of business fast! Thank God it was only Class Color Day so Elle just needed to change into green. (Not dress like her favorite historical figure from a Russian novel…we’ll save that for Friday.) And I didn’t have the heart to tell the sitter it was bright green. That seemed like I might have been asking just barely too much. At least on day one. So Elle went off to school in her green shirt, even if it was slightly the wrong hue, and she was none the wiser. (God bless ignorant kindergartners.) So, thank you to all of the nannies, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, daycare providers, etc out there working hard behind each of us working Moms to make us look good. We need you and would be a complete train wreck without you.

Also of note: for Elle’s “Wacky Wednesday” outfit (where they wear the most mismatched and crazy outfit they can find) she chose an outfit that pretty much completely coordinated. But then put a jacket over it that was *gasp* unzipped! She literally giggled when she told me she was adding an unzipped jacket as though that was just TOO much. I think we need to get her out more.

And the final maternity leave victory goes to Scarlett! I battled hard, as did she, but in the end her stubbornness and perseverance won out. She had to have one last hurrah before I head back to work tomorrow. Yes folks, that’s right…my maternity leave has officially come to a bittersweet end. There were days when I felt that this could not come fast enough, and also brief moments when I dreaded this day coming. But alas, it is here, and I have to return to reality. All good things must come to an end. To be honest, I’m not sure I could have survived another month, so this is probably best for everybody. Especially my long-term relationship with Scarlett. After the past couple of days taking pictures of her while she ate an onion, hung precariously from the counter, and cried for no apparent reason, I really felt that maybe I was going to be the ultimate victor. But she had one last go of it in the bathroom today. It was with makeup again, only a bit worse. It was nail polish. And it was nail polish with glitter. That she applied to her face and a multitude of other surfaces. Basically, a unicorn pooped in our bathroom. Do you know how hard it is to clean up glitter!? If you’ve never done it, then no, you have no idea. Glitter is Satan personified. That stuff sticks to everything. Twenty years from now people will still be asking me where I got my glitter rugs.

So, in summation, Scarlett, I tip my hat to you. You win. Just give me another 60 years. I’ll be in a nursing home. It’ll be your turn to care for me, and then you better believe I’ll get mine! I also now have mad respect for all stay at home moms out there. I don’t know how you do it!

This girl just found out that her mother’s maternity leave is ending tomorrow. The feeling is mutual kid…the feeling is mutual. Nah…I’m just joshin’ ya’. She’s mad because she woke up from a nap. Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense to me either. It was a voluntary awakening. She could have stayed in there all day for all I care. (I’m completely phoning it in as a parent at this point.) She wanted to get up. I got her up. Full on tantrum ensued. Or maybe she was mad because it’s literally and totally seriously 57 degrees in our house today. Yeah…it’s probably that. Better double up on the socks tonight kids – it’s about to get brisk!

Today Scarlett decided to eat a lovely peeled apple for a snack. Except it wasn’t an apple…it was an onion. She did NOT enjoy that surprise. I felt a little evil. I saw the entire thing unfolding and I didn’t even try to stop it. I was dicing up the ingredients for a nice pot of stew (because I’m pretty sure everyone in Michigan made a pot of stew for dinner today) and had the peeled onion on the counter waiting to be cut up. In my defense, she should have been able to use context clues to realize that this was clearly an onion. My apple pies don’t often include beef and carrots. Also, after everything I’ve been through on this maternity leave with her, I felt a little bit like I deserved this small victory. Yes, I just said it. I enjoyed watching my two-year-old bite into an onion while mistaking it for an apple. Today the victory was mine Scarlett!

Apparently, the next time I tell Rose to put the chair away, I need to be more specific and include “…after your sister is done with it.” I turned around from the sink to see Scarlett calmly hanging from the counter like this. And she was completely cool as a cucumber. Totally unconcerned. I’m not really sure what her plan was. She was holding on strong though – I think she could’ve stayed there all day. She belongs to the counter now.

Some days are just too much. And when life knocks you down, you wrap your head up in your cloth book, shut everything out for a little while, and regroup. As an avid reader myself, I’m often preaching to my kids that they should get lost in a good book. Apparently Scarlett is incredibly literal. This also helps her block out the arguing of her two older sisters in the backseat. If she’s not the one causing the problem, she doesn’t need to hear about it. This could also work in a pinch if the weather ever turns rainy and she doesn’t want her perm to be destroyed.

Let it go Scarlett… just let it go. Grant is here to stay. I understand that some kids regress when a younger sibling is born into the family and may need to work on potty training again. Apparently Scarlett has regressed fully back to the infant stage. I thought carrying my 20 pound four-month-old around in this thing was difficult…until I had to lug my 40 pound two-year-old around in it all day. Boy. That garnered a few second glances. It only got worse when she started puffing on a cigar. Yes, she basically owns me. Tomorrow I’ve got to run into town to pick up a new martini shaker for her.

We are very into equity in this family. You may remember Scarlett shattering Elle’s lovely piggy bank a number of weeks ago? In an effort to be very fair Scarlett decided to do the same for Rose after they went to bed tonight. After tucking each of them snuggly into bed, I heard a repeated very loud thud coming from their room. When I went up to check, there were shards of glass everywhere. Scarlett had picked up Rose’s piggy bank from the table near her crib and threw it onto the ground – Hulk style. Elle, trying to fix the problem, got out of bed, picked the bank up, and put it back on the table. This cycle repeated itself about three times before it finally shattered into 1 million pieces on the floor. Which then meant I got to do a post-bedtime bedroom cleaning. Because that’s exactly what every Mom wants to do after she puts her kids to bed. Clean.

Also, we tried curlers in Scarlett’s hair for the first time tonight. That should be interesting in the morning. And if you’re wondering why there are blankets draped on the side of Scarlett’s crib – we did that in an effort to reduce the external stimuli as much as possible. Hoping that it would keep Scarlett’s nighttime damage to a minimum. We’re basically trying to mimic prison solitary confinement. So far it’s not working. The next step will be some form of lid.

Apparently I’ve been watching too much CSI and Making a Murderer. As soon as I happened upon our breakfast table this morning, I immediately turned into a Blood Spatter Analyst. Granted, I was analyzing milk instead of blood, but it’s the same general concept. There was milk EVERYWHERE. It was all over the table and even up the side of Scarlett’s face. What we had was a clear case of “Rose decided to put a straw in her cereal bowl and flick it at her sister Scarlett.” You just have to know how to read the milk. Case closed, my job here is done. Well…my ‘Blood Spatter Analyst’ wannabe job was done anyways. Turns out you still have to clean up the mess and dole out punishments when you’re the Mom. Blood Spatter Analyst is WAY cooler.

My children are basically livestock. They eat constantly, create a ton of work for me, and are constantly producing odd smells. I figureIf if they’re going to act like animals they might as well live in a barn. Elle’s really blossoming now that she’s in her natural environment. Also, now that Grant has moved into the nursery, all 3 girls are sharing a bedroom. (It’s every bit as bad as you are imagining right now. Every evening during bedtime I feel like I am reliving a scene from the Hunger Games.) I guess Elle decided sleeping in a barn was a better alternative. Cons: It’s super small, will likely cause permanent neck damage, and currently houses a bunch of toys. Pros: She will no longer have to sleep with Scarlett. Welcome home Elle. Welcome home.