You win some, you lose some. I tried to create a nice Norman Rockwell family moment this evening. I went out and bought what I thought looked like a new and engaging children’s book with ideas of Family Story Time dancing through my head. Bonus: It looked like it might even be funny considering it was written by famous late-night talk show host/comedian Stephen Colbert. It’s the comedic story of a pole trying to find its place in the world. Spoiler Alert: I flipped it open to the last page and discovered that it was meant to be a flag pole all along. The final spread was a patriotic scene of this poor pole adorned with none other than Old Glory. “Perfect!” I thought. It’s funny. It’s patriotic. It’s for kids. This thing is checking all of the boxes. Heck, there’s probably even some sort of moral embedded within the pages. I bought it and brought it home. We were watching AFV, or, for you less-cultured folk: America’s Funniest Home Videos. I actually made Alex stop the TV just so we could all sit down and read this book together. Allow me to set the scene: Scarlett and Rose were curled up on my lap under a blanket while Elle sat near us. I began relating the woeful tale of the pole that couldn’t figure out what he was meant to do with his life. He tried everything. Lamp pole, ski pole, North Pole, totem pole, fishing pole… you get the idea. The entire thing was quite cleverly worded and I giggled along with the kids. It wasn’t until we got to page 16 that the entire narrative took a sharp turn. (If you saw this coming you’re much smarter than I. I wasn’t expecting this in 1,000 years.) Because, as you see, there is one other type of pole that I had not considered being included in his occupational search. It completely snuck up on me and I inadvertently exposed my children to the inner sanctum of a strip club at the ripe old age of seven, five, and three. Once I quit stumbling over words I got the book closed while Alex’s jaw hung open from across the room. Of course this was the most colorful page in the entire book so the kids wanted to see it again. Rose actually started crying when I wouldn’t open it back up to show her. Thank God the kids didn’t quite understand what they were looking at, and I wasn’t about to explain it to them. I think I’m starting to understand why this children’s book was on sale. I’d say that from here on out I’m going to prescreen all of the children’s books that I bring home, but we all know that’s not true. I think I’m going to chalk this up to a one in a million chance of bringing home the sole children’s book that’s rated R. Stephen Colbert: 1….Me: 0 You win this round Colbert. You win this round.
World's Okayest Parenting 